Time alone

has been something i learnt in church, when i still use to go to church regularly..

it's supposedly one's time alone with God.. talkin & reflecting.. but now it's time for me to reflect on my own tots..

but all this while, i have been making sure i use up all my energy before i sleep.. so i dun need to think so much.. to think of stuff dat doesn't give me solutions but add more problems to the existing problems..

really feel under the shit.. i wonder when can i see the light to the tunnel.. is it like how some pple describe their "near death experience" when i can see light.. seriously, i dun forsee myself in dat situation.. cuz most prob i'm gonna end up down there instead.. or even neither here nor there..

now, when i'm out of the country.. when there's nothin i can do.. no distractions, calls or anyhtng, i'm forced to sit & think.. whether i like it or not..

the feeling of emptiness is unavoidable.. stuff & events dat happened over these few yrs seem to be in a blur.. bascially, losing myself in this all.. & i dun even realise it.. & worse, there's nothin in my control to change or do anythng abt it..

just tired.. really tired of it all.. the feeling of alone.. the feeling of no 1 really understands u.. but these are all my own doings.. my own fault.. but it's also out of my control.. my initial idea is to protect.. the less u know the better.. esp when there's nothin others can help in, why bother others abt it.. though, eventually, i know.. i most prob will lose it all & end up with nothin at all..

i need to find the rainbow, even before i can see the end of the rainbow.. it's shit storm 1 after the other..